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Dear Safeguarding Team…

Dear Diocesan Safeguarding Team,


I am writing to inform you of a visitor to our city, and many others, who we believe may be a serious risk to children. This is in accordance with the diocesan policy, which requires that any concerns must be reported to the safeguarding team.


The true name of the person concerned is Nicholas Myra, although he is known to use a number of aliases. Indeed, persons answering his description have been seen in widely separated places at the same time, so he may be a front for an organized gang. He was ordained in the Eastern Orthodox Church, and so sometimes uses the title “Father”.


Mr Myra is known to encourage children to sit on his lap by promising to give them presents. He claims to keep and carefully check a list of which children have been “naughty” and which have been “nice”. It is alleged that he has forcibly and clandestinely entered the houses of children, although he issues them with a warning that he is coming and that they had “better not cry”. Evidence of empty sherry glasses and mince pie crumbs found at the crime scenes, along with his personal appearance, suggest that he may be an alcoholic and have an eating disorder.


In accordance with diocesan policy, we will seek safeguarding checks from every country in which Mr Myra has lived for more than six months since he was sixteen. He is believed to be a Turkish citizen by birth, and to have spent time in prison there for religious extremism. An application will therefore be made to the Turkish consulate for a criminal records check. There is a rumour that he punched an opponent during a theological dispute. This might constitute a hate crime under English law, and therefore he should probably be refused admission to the UK.


Mr Myra’s whereabouts for the next one thousand, six hundred, and seventy-four years are uncertain, and may take us some time to check, as he is thought to travel widely. He is believed to have spent time in Italy, and to have close connections to Russia- so there may be something on him in the files of the KGB. His current address is in international waters at 90ON,0OE. Could you advise on whether we should seek safeguarding checks from Canada, Russia, Denmark, or all three?


However, these are not our main worries regarding Mr Myra. The chief concern is that he does not, in fact, exist. But many children have been told that he does, and they pay more attention to him than they do to the Lord Jesus Christ, the Incarnate Word and Only-Begotten Son of God, who not only does exist, but is self-existent, possessing in himself eternal life and the fullness of grace and truth. We believe that this a serious case of spiritual abuse. Could you advise?


Happy Christmas





Further investigation reveals that the great passion of Mr Myra’s life was that children and adults would not honour him, but would honour Jesus Christ. So some of the above may not be true.